Added 12:21 pm 10/5/12
Getting “SWOL” in SoBe
As many people already know, people in Miami are very image conscious, but South Beach brings it to a whole other level. The whole “South Beach” diet thing is no bullshit, everyone here is in shape. I’m not talking just thin, but in shape. This is pretty funny because in NYC as long as a girl was thin, had a pretty face and a decent body she would be considered hot or whatever, but here this is not the case. In the words of Sebastian (one of the coolest bartenders I’ve met) “If her arms aren’t defined and there isn’t some semblance of a six pack working, she’s not considered girlfriend material.” This is fantastic, because I have no problems picking up the scraps of 130lb “fatties”. Shocker - I have been spending a good amount of time at bars, and bartenders here are on another level. In NYC of course you had to be good looking to bartend, or cocktail, but here you have to be effin gorgeous.
All that being said, fitness is clearly a top priority which makes sense since the beach is warm year round. So it was clear that I had to find a gym ASAP and put the finishing touches on my already chiseled physique. So Nelson (my roommate) told me that there is a row of gyms on Washington Ave which is only 3 blocks from our apartment. So I do a google search and I see 5th Street Gym. Turns out 5th St Gym is an actual gym, as in where boxers and fighters train. It’s steeped in history, and is actually where Muhammad Ali trained for the majority of his career. So awesome.
As many people already know, people in Miami are very image conscious, but South Beach brings it to a whole other level. The whole “South Beach” diet thing is no bullshit, everyone here is in shape. I’m not talking just thin, but in shape. This is pretty funny because in NYC as long as a girl was thin, had a pretty face and a decent body she would be considered hot or whatever, but here this is not the case. In the words of Sebastian (one of the coolest bartenders I’ve met) “If her arms aren’t defined and there isn’t some semblance of a six pack working, she’s not considered girlfriend material.” This is fantastic, because I have no problems picking up the scraps of 130lb “fatties”. Shocker - I have been spending a good amount of time at bars, and bartenders here are on another level. In NYC of course you had to be good looking to bartend, or cocktail, but here you have to be effin gorgeous.
All that being said, fitness is clearly a top priority which makes sense since the beach is warm year round. So it was clear that I had to find a gym ASAP and put the finishing touches on my already chiseled physique. So Nelson (my roommate) told me that there is a row of gyms on Washington Ave which is only 3 blocks from our apartment. So I do a google search and I see 5th Street Gym. Turns out 5th St Gym is an actual gym, as in where boxers and fighters train. It’s steeped in history, and is actually where Muhammad Ali trained for the majority of his career. So awesome.
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Matt Baiamonte
The gym has also has multiple classes of fight sports – muay thai, krav maga, kick boxing, MMA (Mixed Martial Arts), boxing, and my favorite, Brazilian Ju Jitsu. Now much to many peoples delight, I have expressed interest in wanting to learn Brazilian Ju Jitsu because I think it is bad ass. For those of you who have no idea what BJJ is - pretty much 70% of UFC fighting (which is Mixed Martial Arts) is in BJJ fashion. It is considered the most encompassing and relevant martial art. So this is perfect, I have always talked about wanting to learn and here is a gym super close to my apartment that has classes for it. On further investigation they have a Groupon for your first month at 55% off for $60. Even better I end up going up to the owner, Matt Baiamonte (awesome guy), and tell him that I know how Groupon works, and how about I just pay him $50 right there instead of Groupon taking 50% (so he would only end up get $30) which he was more than happy to accept. IM SOO COOL!
So Tuesday was my 1st class, whoa. (I am awkwardly laughing loudly to myself at a Starbucks right now, people are staring.) It was, we’ll say, intense. The one hour class consisted of a 15 minute “warm up” that I was ready to throw in the towel after. It essentially was where you would pair up with someone then do all these crazy drills while either you were holding them (a little crude way of explaining it, but accurate – imagine the way you would have to have sex with someone standing up. Where they are wrapping their arms around your neck and having their legs locked around your waist). You would do squats like this, run around the gym, or the worst - skip jump. Then there were other drills where they were hanging on your back and you had to do all these exercise. This was unbelievably tough for me, but I felt REALLY bad for my partner. I mean, I am a big dude. I’ve lost some weight, but I would never be described as “light” haha. It is pretty awkward to begin with having to wrap yourself around some bro, trying not to make eye contact - it is whole other experience when he is grunting with every step because he is struggling to carry your fat and sweaty ass. The whole time I was just like “Dude, I’m so sorry”, and the instructor is yelling in his ear “PAIN TODAY IS STRENGTH TOMORROW!!”
So after the awesome “warm up”, we get into drills. I’m no tough guy, but thought I had a decent threshold for pain, this was not the case. Each one of the drills hurt like hell. You would get thrown to the mat, have your body contorted every which way, and basically just get the shit kicked out of you for 30 minutes. So after that we would “roll” for 15 minutes. Now rolling is essentially sparring, but without kicking or punching, very closely related to wrestling. Pretty much you just try to get your opponent in a position where he has to tap out. So I should of mentioned this earlier, but throughout the whole class there is a guy in the back of the gym in full gi (the karate outfit martial artist wear) who is not participating in any of the drills, but doing his own thing. Turns out it was the instructors brother, and the biggest dude in the gym. Guess who gets matched up with him? Yeep, Matty C. Now when I say big, he was probably 6’1’’, 255lbs - but like pretty fat, equipped with a gut and everything. Turns out that extra weight served as super strength. I mean I got my ass handed to me. Brutalized. I don’t think there was a session where I lasted longer than 25 seconds before tapping. As soon as one part of my body was free - a leg, an arm, a foot – he would grab it, flip his body around, and apply crazy pressure where it felt like it was going to break. One of the times I got caught in a standing guillotine, which pretty much is a choke where they put you in a crazy headlock and then lift you off the ground by your neck. When he did that my conscious was literally closing on me, I’m surprised I didn’t pass out. (Fast forward below to 25 seconds to see what it looks like)
So Tuesday was my 1st class, whoa. (I am awkwardly laughing loudly to myself at a Starbucks right now, people are staring.) It was, we’ll say, intense. The one hour class consisted of a 15 minute “warm up” that I was ready to throw in the towel after. It essentially was where you would pair up with someone then do all these crazy drills while either you were holding them (a little crude way of explaining it, but accurate – imagine the way you would have to have sex with someone standing up. Where they are wrapping their arms around your neck and having their legs locked around your waist). You would do squats like this, run around the gym, or the worst - skip jump. Then there were other drills where they were hanging on your back and you had to do all these exercise. This was unbelievably tough for me, but I felt REALLY bad for my partner. I mean, I am a big dude. I’ve lost some weight, but I would never be described as “light” haha. It is pretty awkward to begin with having to wrap yourself around some bro, trying not to make eye contact - it is whole other experience when he is grunting with every step because he is struggling to carry your fat and sweaty ass. The whole time I was just like “Dude, I’m so sorry”, and the instructor is yelling in his ear “PAIN TODAY IS STRENGTH TOMORROW!!”
So after the awesome “warm up”, we get into drills. I’m no tough guy, but thought I had a decent threshold for pain, this was not the case. Each one of the drills hurt like hell. You would get thrown to the mat, have your body contorted every which way, and basically just get the shit kicked out of you for 30 minutes. So after that we would “roll” for 15 minutes. Now rolling is essentially sparring, but without kicking or punching, very closely related to wrestling. Pretty much you just try to get your opponent in a position where he has to tap out. So I should of mentioned this earlier, but throughout the whole class there is a guy in the back of the gym in full gi (the karate outfit martial artist wear) who is not participating in any of the drills, but doing his own thing. Turns out it was the instructors brother, and the biggest dude in the gym. Guess who gets matched up with him? Yeep, Matty C. Now when I say big, he was probably 6’1’’, 255lbs - but like pretty fat, equipped with a gut and everything. Turns out that extra weight served as super strength. I mean I got my ass handed to me. Brutalized. I don’t think there was a session where I lasted longer than 25 seconds before tapping. As soon as one part of my body was free - a leg, an arm, a foot – he would grab it, flip his body around, and apply crazy pressure where it felt like it was going to break. One of the times I got caught in a standing guillotine, which pretty much is a choke where they put you in a crazy headlock and then lift you off the ground by your neck. When he did that my conscious was literally closing on me, I’m surprised I didn’t pass out. (Fast forward below to 25 seconds to see what it looks like)
It was sweet. Turns out homeboy has been practicing BJJ for the past 8 years. Awesome. However, the instructor gave me a encouraging “Good first day!” I couldn’t help but laugh.
Since my first class was such a thriving success, I went again last night after popping enough Aleve to take down an elephant. The beginning was the same- ass kick, ass kick, hate my life, hate my life. Then it was once again time to roll. Now I’m not sure if I just put on such a clinic the first day that he didn’t want me to embarrass any of the guys, but I was paired up against the only female in the class. YES!! I am not going to get destroyed!!
So after she taps me out for the third time - I become ravenous. In retrospect, I might of let out a roar. This biddy was not going to get me for the fourth time in a row. I went primal.
God I wish they had video of this – I flail like a fish for the first 20 seconds awkwardly snorting and contemplating if I could get away with just pulling her hair or biting her until she tapped out. By some miracle somehow in the midst of the flailing, I got into a position that was optimal for me. I hear the instructor shout “PULL HER ELBOW TO YOUR CHEST!” Now I became very excited, and in all the excitement I may or may not have accidentally clocked her in the head with my hand while going for her elbow. And she may or may not have let out an “Oww!”. But like I said there is no way to be sure in the midst of all that excitement. Regardless F this broad, she was going down. I grab her elbow and with all my might pull it to my chest. I think the thought that was going through my head was “I’M GOING TO TEAR HER ARM OFF”. Sure enough, seconds later she succumbs to my brute strength and has no other resort than to tap. VICTORY! I roll off of her completely exhausted, spread out on the mat and muster the strength to raise my arm in triumph. Two of the guys that were in Tuesdays class start hysterically laughing and give me a few pity claps. The best part of all of this is that we still have 6 minutes of rolling left and she taps me 2 more times. Turns out she has been practicing since she was 7 and her dad is a blackbelt - or she just told me that because she saw I was on the brink of tears.
So ridiculous, I am so sore right now it is painful to type. Ugh.
Since my first class was such a thriving success, I went again last night after popping enough Aleve to take down an elephant. The beginning was the same- ass kick, ass kick, hate my life, hate my life. Then it was once again time to roll. Now I’m not sure if I just put on such a clinic the first day that he didn’t want me to embarrass any of the guys, but I was paired up against the only female in the class. YES!! I am not going to get destroyed!!
So after she taps me out for the third time - I become ravenous. In retrospect, I might of let out a roar. This biddy was not going to get me for the fourth time in a row. I went primal.
God I wish they had video of this – I flail like a fish for the first 20 seconds awkwardly snorting and contemplating if I could get away with just pulling her hair or biting her until she tapped out. By some miracle somehow in the midst of the flailing, I got into a position that was optimal for me. I hear the instructor shout “PULL HER ELBOW TO YOUR CHEST!” Now I became very excited, and in all the excitement I may or may not have accidentally clocked her in the head with my hand while going for her elbow. And she may or may not have let out an “Oww!”. But like I said there is no way to be sure in the midst of all that excitement. Regardless F this broad, she was going down. I grab her elbow and with all my might pull it to my chest. I think the thought that was going through my head was “I’M GOING TO TEAR HER ARM OFF”. Sure enough, seconds later she succumbs to my brute strength and has no other resort than to tap. VICTORY! I roll off of her completely exhausted, spread out on the mat and muster the strength to raise my arm in triumph. Two of the guys that were in Tuesdays class start hysterically laughing and give me a few pity claps. The best part of all of this is that we still have 6 minutes of rolling left and she taps me 2 more times. Turns out she has been practicing since she was 7 and her dad is a blackbelt - or she just told me that because she saw I was on the brink of tears.
So ridiculous, I am so sore right now it is painful to type. Ugh.
