Added 10/18/12 12:32pm EST
Krav Maga Mava Fuga
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Since people seem to enjoy a good “Matt gets the shit kicked out of him” story, and since it happened again last night, I will divulge.
So, as stated in the previous posts I’ve been practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (supposedly you can spell it either way Ju or Jiu) for almost three weeks, and despite a terrible first week, ehem, my skills have slightly improved, and I at least can make it a few minutes now without getting tapped. What an animal. Unfortunately, 5th Street Gym only has BJJ three nights a week, and I’m really trying to stay dedicated to this live healthier/get in shape kick, so I’ve been going to classes six days a week, and going on a bunch of runs. So when BJJ is not available, I have to find three other classes to go to. I usually bounce around between boxing, kick boxing and Muay Thai. All three of these classes are great - ridiculous work outs, but in all three of these classes you have to practice for at least three months at the gym before they let you spar. This is definitely a good thing because when you spar you are actually throwing punches and kicks, and even though you are wearing head gear and gloves you can still get F’d up easily, especially with Muay Thai. So these classes are a lot of general strength and conditioning and hitting the bag or doing that thing where your partner is wearing those mitts and you are doing combinations. These classes are actually fun, and you relieve every ounce of stress in your body. So my first week here, I had heard of Krav Maga, but didn’t know a thing about it. Krav Maga is a eclectic fighting style developed in Israel that is based around real life self-defense with brutal counter attacks. Sounds awesome right? So I was all stoked for my first class and it turned out to be the lamest thing ever. It was essentially a glorified self-defense class for women, which is actually probably more up my alley. It was a lot of shadow boxing (where you punch air) a lot of “Now knee him in the groin” “Go for the testicles” etc. Very practical yes, but I’m trying to take down a bro with a round house kick to the FACE, not grab up on his balls. So, I didn’t go back and stuck to the other classes. Last night however, I was in a rush to go to Oktoberfest in North Miami Beach (we’ll get into that later) which is a 45 minute bus ride, so it was either Krav Maga, or nothing. So I reluctantly headed to the gym to learn a few more ways to attack a dudes nuts.
So before all these classes you wrap your hands and jump rope for five minutes to warm up. You do this typically before the instructor says anything and then after the 5 minutes the guy will start the class. So I wrap up and start jumping rope. While I’m doing this there is this guy in the front of the gym doing, what looks like a fast version of tai chi? He was doing it by himself in front of the mirror, and it wasn’t the slow graceful movements, it was rapid movements and he was accentuating every movement with a very loud grunt, or that loud “shh” sound that boxers make. So I make a mental note - found the crazy guy, make sure you don’t partner with him - and continued jumping. A couple minutes go by and I’m looking around for that skinny instructor to teach me more of the ancient martial art of ball tugging, and it was right around this time when the crazy dude in front of the gym screams “FALL IN!” What? Fall in? Everyone else jumping drops the ropes immediately and sprints to the front of the room. Ohhh so he means “fall in” like the Army, got it. I guess crazy here is our new instructor, so I drop my rope and do a half jog to the end of the line. This is not how I should of started the class.
Homeboy gives me a silent death stare for a good five seconds. Now from the back this guy didn’t look that big, but when you were up close you realize he was massive. Not tall, maybe 5’9’’-5’10’’, but built like a shit brick house. His chest had to of been 50+ inches and his arms were bigger than my thighs. He finally takes his death stare off of me, and starts to size up the class. He then yells, “Kyle! Front and center!” This young in shape kid runs to the front of the room and gets into a fighting stance. Dino, the instructor, gets into a fighting stance as well, does a neck roll, then screams “ATTACK!” I was blown away by what happened next.
This kid Kyle does not hold back at all, he goes full tilt at Dino. I mean he is trying to hurt him. Now I’ve seen UFC on tv and stuff, but I’ve never seen someone who knows how to handle themselves literally attack someone in person. This wasn’t some drunk brawl, this kid was throwing spinning back punches, kicks to the head, anything he could to hurt Dino. Honestly, for a solid 10 seconds Dino takes this punishment, blocking or absorbing everything he threw, then as if “play time was over” Dino catches his arm, hip tosses him where his back goes splat on the mat, then puts his foot in the back of Kyle’s shoulder and bends his arm back, until Kyle taps furiously. My jaw dropped to floor. WTF? Did that just happen? Kyle limps back in line, and Dino exclaims “NEVER BE THE VICTIM, REPEAT IT!” “NEVER BE THE VICTIM” “IF SOMEONE ATTACKS ME, I WILL MAKE THEM PAY!” “IF SOMEONE ATTACKS ME, I WILL MAKE THEM PAY!” He had a couple more of these lines, that were actually really cool - it was like a mix of Full Metal Jacket and the Karate Kid where the bad sensei is yelling at his pupils. Anyways, after he lifted his leg on the class and made sure we knew who was alpha dog, we paired up for drills. Now I don’t know what they put in the water here, but everyone that goes to this gym is short. 99% of the time I am the only person in the gym over 6 foot and over 200lbs, so pretty much every class I get partnered with the instructor, which effin’ sucks. You can’t half ass anything, and if you aren’t doing the drill perfect you get hassled. And every time they are like “I got big boy” or “I’ll take big guy” and each time I’m like “FUCK.” They think I have some chip on my shoulder or something because I’m the biggest guy there, and I’m thinking “Dude, I’m just trying to make it through this class without a dislocated shoulder or ruptured spleen.” So sure enough Dino takes “big boy” and this time I’m like “FUUCCKK!!!”. Homie beats me like I was a guy who slapped around his mom. I was just absolutely abused. Since it’s Krav Maga, there is a lot of grabbing and throwing. He did not hold back. Even though your getting thrown on a mat, the mat is maybe a inch thick with cement under it, so it is beyond painful. When I wasn’t getting thrown to the mat I was having my neck bent back so far it could touch my butthole. I was in so much agony I was contemplating faking a broken toe or something to get out of class. It was that bad.
So somehow I make it through the first 40 minutes class maintaining the ability to walk. Then we start the real life self-defense against, “Choking”. Now when I say choking, I’m not talking about being put into a head lock or something like that, I’m talking about both hands wrapped around your throat choking. So, Dino squares up against me and simply says “Choke Me”. Since I am normal human being my gut reaction is, “Uh no”. But I realize no is not an acceptable answer, so I wrap my hands around his throat, (which is so weird, like seriously how has anyone strangled anyone in the history of the world) and I apply some pressure. He smacks my arms away and gives me a “You’ve got to be kidding me” look. Man, I wish I could remember it word for word, but he gave me the greatest phrase ever - something along the lines of “That was a massage. My wife gives me massages and hand jobs, so unless you are going to give me a hand job, don’t give me a massage”. HYSTERICAL. He was like “Dig your thumbs into my Adams apple and CHOKE ME!” So I did exactly that, and the technique he teaches is freakin' awesome. Essentially you break the choke and the dudes thumbs at the same time, really cool. So after he shows me the technique a few times it’s my turn. And I didn’t have to give him some witty quip to get him in the mood, he just went ahead and choked me. Hard. It really freakin’ hurt, but I did the technique and sure enough it worked like a charm. It was kind of weird, you get this burst of adrenaline and exhilaration of “Oh shit someone is choking me better do something” and then the technique stops it immediately. So we do this exercise 10 or so more times and then finally the class is over. All in all the class was actually really cool, learned a whole lot, and came out feeling a lot tougher.
I limp home trying to move as fast as I can so I can catch the early bus to North Miami Beach for Oktoberfest. Shower, change, throw on clothes and head out the door to the bus stop. Hop on the bus, and 45 minutes later I arrive at Oktoberfest. First things first, any “Oktoberfest” celebration with palm trees is just strange, but it was a pretty cool event. There were tons of people, live music, 15 food trucks, beer, booze and it was all outside in this park and small community amphitheater. Then there were all the surrounding bars and restaurants that people would walk in and out of. This is where I went to Lou’s Beer Garden, where it is like your typical beer garden, but with a pool in the middle of it. I can only imagine what it’s like during the day with wasted people swimming in it. So as I’m walking around I am noticing that all these beautiful babies are checking out Matty C! I’m like “Alriiight, my fresh haircut and this whole working out thing is really starting to pay off.” Walk around some more, and sure enough the stares keep coming my way. Sweeet, I’m definitely going to get some lovin’ tonight! But I’ve had a couple beers and I clearly learned my lesson from last Saturday so I head to the bathroom. As I’m washing my hands, I do a quick check out in the mirror to make sure everything is in order.
WTF IS THAT? Yeep, I have a MASSIVE bruise that goes across my whole neck. Ugh. So no stud muffin, you weren’t getting stares because these biddys wanted a piece, they were staring because you look like a failed rapist. Nothing arouses a girl more than the look that says “Hey! I’m going to attack you, but don’t worry you’ll get away because I’m really bad at it”. Son of a. It’s at this point that I realize I should hop back on the bus and nurse my wounds. Enjoy the pictures below!
Just want to start by saying feel free to "Like" Follow Da Son on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/followdason7?ref=ts&fref=ts) it will let you know every time there is a new post, that way you don't have to check back or wait for me text you or something.
Since people seem to enjoy a good “Matt gets the shit kicked out of him” story, and since it happened again last night, I will divulge.
So, as stated in the previous posts I’ve been practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (supposedly you can spell it either way Ju or Jiu) for almost three weeks, and despite a terrible first week, ehem, my skills have slightly improved, and I at least can make it a few minutes now without getting tapped. What an animal. Unfortunately, 5th Street Gym only has BJJ three nights a week, and I’m really trying to stay dedicated to this live healthier/get in shape kick, so I’ve been going to classes six days a week, and going on a bunch of runs. So when BJJ is not available, I have to find three other classes to go to. I usually bounce around between boxing, kick boxing and Muay Thai. All three of these classes are great - ridiculous work outs, but in all three of these classes you have to practice for at least three months at the gym before they let you spar. This is definitely a good thing because when you spar you are actually throwing punches and kicks, and even though you are wearing head gear and gloves you can still get F’d up easily, especially with Muay Thai. So these classes are a lot of general strength and conditioning and hitting the bag or doing that thing where your partner is wearing those mitts and you are doing combinations. These classes are actually fun, and you relieve every ounce of stress in your body. So my first week here, I had heard of Krav Maga, but didn’t know a thing about it. Krav Maga is a eclectic fighting style developed in Israel that is based around real life self-defense with brutal counter attacks. Sounds awesome right? So I was all stoked for my first class and it turned out to be the lamest thing ever. It was essentially a glorified self-defense class for women, which is actually probably more up my alley. It was a lot of shadow boxing (where you punch air) a lot of “Now knee him in the groin” “Go for the testicles” etc. Very practical yes, but I’m trying to take down a bro with a round house kick to the FACE, not grab up on his balls. So, I didn’t go back and stuck to the other classes. Last night however, I was in a rush to go to Oktoberfest in North Miami Beach (we’ll get into that later) which is a 45 minute bus ride, so it was either Krav Maga, or nothing. So I reluctantly headed to the gym to learn a few more ways to attack a dudes nuts.
So before all these classes you wrap your hands and jump rope for five minutes to warm up. You do this typically before the instructor says anything and then after the 5 minutes the guy will start the class. So I wrap up and start jumping rope. While I’m doing this there is this guy in the front of the gym doing, what looks like a fast version of tai chi? He was doing it by himself in front of the mirror, and it wasn’t the slow graceful movements, it was rapid movements and he was accentuating every movement with a very loud grunt, or that loud “shh” sound that boxers make. So I make a mental note - found the crazy guy, make sure you don’t partner with him - and continued jumping. A couple minutes go by and I’m looking around for that skinny instructor to teach me more of the ancient martial art of ball tugging, and it was right around this time when the crazy dude in front of the gym screams “FALL IN!” What? Fall in? Everyone else jumping drops the ropes immediately and sprints to the front of the room. Ohhh so he means “fall in” like the Army, got it. I guess crazy here is our new instructor, so I drop my rope and do a half jog to the end of the line. This is not how I should of started the class.
Homeboy gives me a silent death stare for a good five seconds. Now from the back this guy didn’t look that big, but when you were up close you realize he was massive. Not tall, maybe 5’9’’-5’10’’, but built like a shit brick house. His chest had to of been 50+ inches and his arms were bigger than my thighs. He finally takes his death stare off of me, and starts to size up the class. He then yells, “Kyle! Front and center!” This young in shape kid runs to the front of the room and gets into a fighting stance. Dino, the instructor, gets into a fighting stance as well, does a neck roll, then screams “ATTACK!” I was blown away by what happened next.
This kid Kyle does not hold back at all, he goes full tilt at Dino. I mean he is trying to hurt him. Now I’ve seen UFC on tv and stuff, but I’ve never seen someone who knows how to handle themselves literally attack someone in person. This wasn’t some drunk brawl, this kid was throwing spinning back punches, kicks to the head, anything he could to hurt Dino. Honestly, for a solid 10 seconds Dino takes this punishment, blocking or absorbing everything he threw, then as if “play time was over” Dino catches his arm, hip tosses him where his back goes splat on the mat, then puts his foot in the back of Kyle’s shoulder and bends his arm back, until Kyle taps furiously. My jaw dropped to floor. WTF? Did that just happen? Kyle limps back in line, and Dino exclaims “NEVER BE THE VICTIM, REPEAT IT!” “NEVER BE THE VICTIM” “IF SOMEONE ATTACKS ME, I WILL MAKE THEM PAY!” “IF SOMEONE ATTACKS ME, I WILL MAKE THEM PAY!” He had a couple more of these lines, that were actually really cool - it was like a mix of Full Metal Jacket and the Karate Kid where the bad sensei is yelling at his pupils. Anyways, after he lifted his leg on the class and made sure we knew who was alpha dog, we paired up for drills. Now I don’t know what they put in the water here, but everyone that goes to this gym is short. 99% of the time I am the only person in the gym over 6 foot and over 200lbs, so pretty much every class I get partnered with the instructor, which effin’ sucks. You can’t half ass anything, and if you aren’t doing the drill perfect you get hassled. And every time they are like “I got big boy” or “I’ll take big guy” and each time I’m like “FUCK.” They think I have some chip on my shoulder or something because I’m the biggest guy there, and I’m thinking “Dude, I’m just trying to make it through this class without a dislocated shoulder or ruptured spleen.” So sure enough Dino takes “big boy” and this time I’m like “FUUCCKK!!!”. Homie beats me like I was a guy who slapped around his mom. I was just absolutely abused. Since it’s Krav Maga, there is a lot of grabbing and throwing. He did not hold back. Even though your getting thrown on a mat, the mat is maybe a inch thick with cement under it, so it is beyond painful. When I wasn’t getting thrown to the mat I was having my neck bent back so far it could touch my butthole. I was in so much agony I was contemplating faking a broken toe or something to get out of class. It was that bad.
So somehow I make it through the first 40 minutes class maintaining the ability to walk. Then we start the real life self-defense against, “Choking”. Now when I say choking, I’m not talking about being put into a head lock or something like that, I’m talking about both hands wrapped around your throat choking. So, Dino squares up against me and simply says “Choke Me”. Since I am normal human being my gut reaction is, “Uh no”. But I realize no is not an acceptable answer, so I wrap my hands around his throat, (which is so weird, like seriously how has anyone strangled anyone in the history of the world) and I apply some pressure. He smacks my arms away and gives me a “You’ve got to be kidding me” look. Man, I wish I could remember it word for word, but he gave me the greatest phrase ever - something along the lines of “That was a massage. My wife gives me massages and hand jobs, so unless you are going to give me a hand job, don’t give me a massage”. HYSTERICAL. He was like “Dig your thumbs into my Adams apple and CHOKE ME!” So I did exactly that, and the technique he teaches is freakin' awesome. Essentially you break the choke and the dudes thumbs at the same time, really cool. So after he shows me the technique a few times it’s my turn. And I didn’t have to give him some witty quip to get him in the mood, he just went ahead and choked me. Hard. It really freakin’ hurt, but I did the technique and sure enough it worked like a charm. It was kind of weird, you get this burst of adrenaline and exhilaration of “Oh shit someone is choking me better do something” and then the technique stops it immediately. So we do this exercise 10 or so more times and then finally the class is over. All in all the class was actually really cool, learned a whole lot, and came out feeling a lot tougher.
I limp home trying to move as fast as I can so I can catch the early bus to North Miami Beach for Oktoberfest. Shower, change, throw on clothes and head out the door to the bus stop. Hop on the bus, and 45 minutes later I arrive at Oktoberfest. First things first, any “Oktoberfest” celebration with palm trees is just strange, but it was a pretty cool event. There were tons of people, live music, 15 food trucks, beer, booze and it was all outside in this park and small community amphitheater. Then there were all the surrounding bars and restaurants that people would walk in and out of. This is where I went to Lou’s Beer Garden, where it is like your typical beer garden, but with a pool in the middle of it. I can only imagine what it’s like during the day with wasted people swimming in it. So as I’m walking around I am noticing that all these beautiful babies are checking out Matty C! I’m like “Alriiight, my fresh haircut and this whole working out thing is really starting to pay off.” Walk around some more, and sure enough the stares keep coming my way. Sweeet, I’m definitely going to get some lovin’ tonight! But I’ve had a couple beers and I clearly learned my lesson from last Saturday so I head to the bathroom. As I’m washing my hands, I do a quick check out in the mirror to make sure everything is in order.
WTF IS THAT? Yeep, I have a MASSIVE bruise that goes across my whole neck. Ugh. So no stud muffin, you weren’t getting stares because these biddys wanted a piece, they were staring because you look like a failed rapist. Nothing arouses a girl more than the look that says “Hey! I’m going to attack you, but don’t worry you’ll get away because I’m really bad at it”. Son of a. It’s at this point that I realize I should hop back on the bus and nurse my wounds. Enjoy the pictures below!